So, how do you survive as a single mother?

No woman would like to be a single mother unless she has been badly hurt emotionally, treated extremely badly in a marriage, actually physically abused, forced to choose singlehood due to some unavoidable circumstances or just can’t live with the spouse who may be taking a free ride on her. Yes, some marriages just die with time. But at times people hold on to loveless marriages due to financial constraints, social stigma and/or children.

My advice? None of the above reasons are valid to hold on to something that not only does not make you happy but also add to your stress in life. Sometimes, we just have to let go, to be peaceful.  That was what I did. I let go of the toxin in my life. But I was not very well prepared to undergo life as single mother; the alertness and intelligence that I had in ending the marriage was not there in planning single motherhood. So, here I share some ideas on how your journey can be smoother as you embark on being a single mother or single woman again:

1.    Finances: Yup, trust me. This is the biggest worry. From dual income, you will be faced with single income. Though throughout your marriage you may not have had the monetary support from your spouse but having the safety net that in case of emergency, there is someone with vested interest you can turn to in times of financial emergency, makes a lot of difference.

Ideally before initiating divorce it will be good if you could sit down and do your Maths. Look at your current and expected expenses. Never plan your life based on current lifestyle i.e. children in primary school, health is great, commute to work is near etc.  Children will grow up and go to secondary or high school, once you are single you will need to do everything on your own, so that means health may take a beating and with single income you may not be able to afford same type of accommodation. You may need to move to other places, further from work, just to meet the rental budget.

Unless you have very supportive siblings, you need to ensure you have some sort of savings somewhere for emergencies. Credit cards are good if you are going to use them only for emergencies, debit cards need to be controlled, whatever investments that you may have made need to be kept updated. It is essential that you know where your money is because in times of need, you must ensure that your monthly expenses stay within your monthly nett income else it will become financial mayhem. Of course, ideally, you should consider starting another stream of income – selling some online stuff, to supplement your current income, trust me that really helps. It ain’t a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket.

So, ladies, do your maths. It is very important because as long as you do not have financial problems, transition to singlehood will be smoother. Mine wasn’t smooth because I was trying to be the great mum who tried to meet all my children’s expectation and money just flowed out like water. And suddenly, even savings were flowing out.

2.    Lifestyle: It always goes back to finances. Whatever you may have enjoyed when a spouse was around, may no longer be available to you – frequent visit to the hairdresser, manicure, pedicure, gym membership, Friday night girls get together for a drink etc. While money will be part of the reason, time will be another. You could be juggling work, taking care of children and running a household, all at the same time. How much time that leaves you?

My own experience was really trying. I had to be up by 5 a.m. to cook food for the day, wake my elder one so that she can go to school, prepare the second one to drop her off at her babysitter’s and then wade through traffic to reach office. After completing a full day, I have to rush to my second daughter’s school to pick her up by 6 p.m. because if I am late, she will have to take the school bus back and that would mean she would reach home late and all our schedules would go haywire. So, that was added stress which may have contributed to the colon cancer that I had years later.

One way to beat this is by training the kids to be self-sufficient and support you with chores, if they could see your struggle. In my case, my second one was too young to assist in any way and the older one was revolting because of the divorce. Eventually, I had to let her move in with her dad, and she’s there till now.

I had to let go of my gym, visit to hairdresser’s was more after work than weekends. Sometimes, have to bring my second daughter along for errands that I ran on weekends. But, somehow, in that chaos we managed to add in some outings, short holidays and some quality mother-daughters time.

As bad as it sounds over the years as the kids grow up, you will have more time to yourself. Then you can indulge in whatever you had missed out on. Time changes, so do many things. Nothing is permanent.

3.    Relationships: If you have just been divorced, chances are you are on a re-bound. STAY AWAY FROM RELATIONSHIPS. Trust me, this is the best advice you will ever get. Human beings are social animals, they can’t live alone without relationships. When you have been deprived of love and divorce happens, your next instinct is to seek love elsewhere and chances are you will get burned again and again till you are no longer on re-bound. By the time the second and third burning happens, you would have wisened up but there would more scars on old wounds, so till you are very stable emotionally, stay away from relationships.

We have the tendency to try and share the responsibilities of our lives like paying bills, taking care of the children etc with someone, but remember, that no one else but yourself is responsible for your life. So, if you have the romantic idea that once you are on your own you can find support from a relationship, wake up, babe, it ain’t gonna happen!

Try thinking about new relationships once your life is within your control. That way, you will be in charge of your reactions and responsiveness in that relationship. Becoming single is not a ticket to indulge in too many relationships, trying to emulate the life that you had walked away from. Being single is an opportunity to re-design your life and such opportunities only come to the brave. Many unhappy women stay on in relationships because they refuse to leave their comfort zone, although that zone may no longer be comfortable for them.

Now that the facts are bare before you, know what you are getting into when you choose to become a single mother! That's your survival, babes.