Ain't Goodbye, Dad!
My dad passed away and I got thrown out of the family. Yeap, that happened.
On 2nd November, dad was admitted to a hospital about 150 kilometres away. Suddenly, a family Whatsapp group was created, I was added (!) and updates were made on his condition. It was pretty much assumed that he was dying and probably that hospitalization could be his last. I was deliberating to visit him because my car was not in the condition to travel far. Then, the news came that my sister who lives in the US was flying down. I figured I needed to visit him, in case that was his last hospitalization. And my Gaza muscle man said he can drive me to Malacca. Claudia, yeah, that's my car, did not have aircon then, it was under repair the preceding 18 months. So, it was a very hot 150 kilometres drive to Malacca and thank God Raed did not speed and could withstand the afternoon heat. I discovered later that the car was in no condition to speed.
On the 5th Raed left for Gaza, leaving his heart with me, taking mine. My second daughter and I sent him and his friend off; another friend of his joined us in saying temporary goodbye.
Four days later, in the family Whatsapp there were updates about the event which honoured dad in the literary circle and I was back in the city, sinking into my routine life of work, work and work. Then suddenly after the event I received messages that dad had fits and was taken to the government hospital in our hometown. I was in dilemma as since the last long drive, Claudia was not feeling good. I could feel each time I drove. Something was just not right. So, I sent a reply message that I had seen dad while he was alert and since everyone was sure that he was on the way out, asked them to update me if anything untoward happens. Next, my girls and I were thrown out of the family Whatsapp group!! Just like that. No one asked me anything. Just threw me out.
I was shocked because I had my inabilities to travel, the car being the foremost reason, next was finances as hiring another car was out of question and finally, my health. I can't drive long distance anymore. In fact the almost weekly drive to Abby's place in Cyberjaya tires me then again being former cancer patient, who has passed half century it's bound to take a toll on anyone's health. But as usual, I pushed myself all the time but dare not do the same in driving down. Didn't have that much of faith in myself. In hind sight, it was a good thing I didn't drive Claudia because the day after dad's funeral I discovered the car had brake, suspension and steering issues. If I had driven the car, probably my girls and I would have joined dear dad in the other world.
Next I know, there was a call at around 9 p.m. the day after dad was hospitalized. Yeah, after I was thrown out of the family but nevertheless the call came. In the meantime, Israel started bombing Gaza and Raed sent me photos of bombs actually flying in air, in Gaza. So, there was dad in hospital, expected to die anytime and Raed in a city bombed by Israelis. We kept in touch via Whatsapp. But in Gaza internet connection is absolutely poor. Electricity is available only for maximum 6 hours daily. The largest open prison on earth. The living conditions in Gaza was akin to that of rubber estates in early days of Malaya - electricity was available only from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. the next morning; but a good 12 hours. In Gaza, only 6. Dad is important, so is Raed. Plus, at work my company just secured a huge multimillion ringgit project and I was the anchor person. Talk about tests.
Anyway, on 12th November close to 9 p.m. I received a phone call from my brother's wife. She said the life support machine my dad was hooked up to was switched off but he started breathing on his own!! Old man wasn't giving up. I was told that he wasn't going because I didn't visit him, for a moment I was amazed. Didn't know I mattered to anyone! I was asked to drive down at that time of the night. The rest of them wanted him to go soonest and since he wasn't giving up, they figured I was the reason. I said no, because my gut feel said my car won't make it that far. I was asked to take public transport, intercity bus at that time of the night. Meanwhile, Gaza was being heavily bombed; Raed hospitalized due to fever. I offered to 'speak' to dad over the phone to ask him to not to wait for me but to go, as the family wanted. And I did. Promised dad to look him up in the other world. And I know I will meet him again someday, in the other world.
The next day was totally silent. No news whatsoever. On 15th November, early morning call came from a total stranger - a colleague from my former workplace. 'Has your dad passed away?' she asked. 'In YouTube breaking news, I saw the news', she said. I didn't know. But a few minutes later there was a message from a distant relative asking me why I wasn't there at my dad's funeral. I didn't know dad passed on. No one told me. The family knew to ask me to ask him to go but didn't see it important to let me know when he actually left. Nice family!
In hindsight, probably I was not meant to perform last rites. Maybe dad and I will continue our rishtaa in next life - I don't know. May be. My girls and I were utterly shocked, so was my ex hubby. He was adamant he wanted to attend dad's funeral but well, it was never meant to be.
Now that dad is no longer with us, perhaps, it is time all relationships end. There was a swamiji who once said that the best way to live life is to go with the flow it takes us. 'Never fight the flow,' he said. Life will become a living hell. At this age, I am well versed with that. I have no idea why Raed entered my life right before dad left. It is said that before something big happens, God will send someone to be our support. May be that's why. And, Raed could be my new direction in life. The last 15 years have been a huge struggle as a single mother. Even before I divorced my first husband, I was pretty much alone. Had been struggling through for 15 years. Raed is like a breath of fresh air. Former army guy, did double degree - police and law as well as sports education. Was bodybuilding champion in Gaza in 2016. He's physique is still amazing, very strong (sometimes he actually carries me around!) and a handy man. Does renovation work for his customers in Malaysia. And pretty good at it too, that they call him Spyderman! My dream guy. I take each day as it comes. God has trained me like that. No expectations, no disappointments.
As for the family that has gone with dad's passing, I have no regrets. I had never caused them any inconveniences ever. Just stayed away from them, staying away from people who do not like you or ill treat you is not inconvenience. It's living a peaceful life. People have bad mouthed me - single mother, two kids, divorcee. Yeah, I am but it will not take too long for someone else to end up in my shoes. All it takes is a one second change in the flow of life. It is also called fate. I do not have good memories of my family - only the ill treatment, all these years. So, now that that relationship has ended I am very much at peace. More so knowing that I would meet dad or his soul someday, somewhere. Till then, dad, stay safe and detached as you always had. Just bless my new life direction as that was ordained by God, whichever that is. Love ya!
On 2nd November, dad was admitted to a hospital about 150 kilometres away. Suddenly, a family Whatsapp group was created, I was added (!) and updates were made on his condition. It was pretty much assumed that he was dying and probably that hospitalization could be his last. I was deliberating to visit him because my car was not in the condition to travel far. Then, the news came that my sister who lives in the US was flying down. I figured I needed to visit him, in case that was his last hospitalization. And my Gaza muscle man said he can drive me to Malacca. Claudia, yeah, that's my car, did not have aircon then, it was under repair the preceding 18 months. So, it was a very hot 150 kilometres drive to Malacca and thank God Raed did not speed and could withstand the afternoon heat. I discovered later that the car was in no condition to speed.
Dad was sleeping when I reached the hospital. The rest who were there woke him up. He was actually in good spirits. He recognized me, though in the previous year he didn't remember me. I stayed for a about an hour and then left. On the way back Raed sped. Must have been the heat, I think but I was thankful when we finally reached our abode. We showered and rested. The next few days were routine for us. Raed was leaving for Gaza, left the car with him and took train to work. Though I had a place in Kuala Lumpur, I stayed the few days with Raed, close to my second daughter's place.
On the 5th Raed left for Gaza, leaving his heart with me, taking mine. My second daughter and I sent him and his friend off; another friend of his joined us in saying temporary goodbye.
Four days later, in the family Whatsapp there were updates about the event which honoured dad in the literary circle and I was back in the city, sinking into my routine life of work, work and work. Then suddenly after the event I received messages that dad had fits and was taken to the government hospital in our hometown. I was in dilemma as since the last long drive, Claudia was not feeling good. I could feel each time I drove. Something was just not right. So, I sent a reply message that I had seen dad while he was alert and since everyone was sure that he was on the way out, asked them to update me if anything untoward happens. Next, my girls and I were thrown out of the family Whatsapp group!! Just like that. No one asked me anything. Just threw me out.
I was shocked because I had my inabilities to travel, the car being the foremost reason, next was finances as hiring another car was out of question and finally, my health. I can't drive long distance anymore. In fact the almost weekly drive to Abby's place in Cyberjaya tires me then again being former cancer patient, who has passed half century it's bound to take a toll on anyone's health. But as usual, I pushed myself all the time but dare not do the same in driving down. Didn't have that much of faith in myself. In hind sight, it was a good thing I didn't drive Claudia because the day after dad's funeral I discovered the car had brake, suspension and steering issues. If I had driven the car, probably my girls and I would have joined dear dad in the other world.
Next I know, there was a call at around 9 p.m. the day after dad was hospitalized. Yeah, after I was thrown out of the family but nevertheless the call came. In the meantime, Israel started bombing Gaza and Raed sent me photos of bombs actually flying in air, in Gaza. So, there was dad in hospital, expected to die anytime and Raed in a city bombed by Israelis. We kept in touch via Whatsapp. But in Gaza internet connection is absolutely poor. Electricity is available only for maximum 6 hours daily. The largest open prison on earth. The living conditions in Gaza was akin to that of rubber estates in early days of Malaya - electricity was available only from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. the next morning; but a good 12 hours. In Gaza, only 6. Dad is important, so is Raed. Plus, at work my company just secured a huge multimillion ringgit project and I was the anchor person. Talk about tests.
Anyway, on 12th November close to 9 p.m. I received a phone call from my brother's wife. She said the life support machine my dad was hooked up to was switched off but he started breathing on his own!! Old man wasn't giving up. I was told that he wasn't going because I didn't visit him, for a moment I was amazed. Didn't know I mattered to anyone! I was asked to drive down at that time of the night. The rest of them wanted him to go soonest and since he wasn't giving up, they figured I was the reason. I said no, because my gut feel said my car won't make it that far. I was asked to take public transport, intercity bus at that time of the night. Meanwhile, Gaza was being heavily bombed; Raed hospitalized due to fever. I offered to 'speak' to dad over the phone to ask him to not to wait for me but to go, as the family wanted. And I did. Promised dad to look him up in the other world. And I know I will meet him again someday, in the other world.
The next day was totally silent. No news whatsoever. On 15th November, early morning call came from a total stranger - a colleague from my former workplace. 'Has your dad passed away?' she asked. 'In YouTube breaking news, I saw the news', she said. I didn't know. But a few minutes later there was a message from a distant relative asking me why I wasn't there at my dad's funeral. I didn't know dad passed on. No one told me. The family knew to ask me to ask him to go but didn't see it important to let me know when he actually left. Nice family!
In hindsight, probably I was not meant to perform last rites. Maybe dad and I will continue our rishtaa in next life - I don't know. May be. My girls and I were utterly shocked, so was my ex hubby. He was adamant he wanted to attend dad's funeral but well, it was never meant to be.
Now that dad is no longer with us, perhaps, it is time all relationships end. There was a swamiji who once said that the best way to live life is to go with the flow it takes us. 'Never fight the flow,' he said. Life will become a living hell. At this age, I am well versed with that. I have no idea why Raed entered my life right before dad left. It is said that before something big happens, God will send someone to be our support. May be that's why. And, Raed could be my new direction in life. The last 15 years have been a huge struggle as a single mother. Even before I divorced my first husband, I was pretty much alone. Had been struggling through for 15 years. Raed is like a breath of fresh air. Former army guy, did double degree - police and law as well as sports education. Was bodybuilding champion in Gaza in 2016. He's physique is still amazing, very strong (sometimes he actually carries me around!) and a handy man. Does renovation work for his customers in Malaysia. And pretty good at it too, that they call him Spyderman! My dream guy. I take each day as it comes. God has trained me like that. No expectations, no disappointments.
As for the family that has gone with dad's passing, I have no regrets. I had never caused them any inconveniences ever. Just stayed away from them, staying away from people who do not like you or ill treat you is not inconvenience. It's living a peaceful life. People have bad mouthed me - single mother, two kids, divorcee. Yeah, I am but it will not take too long for someone else to end up in my shoes. All it takes is a one second change in the flow of life. It is also called fate. I do not have good memories of my family - only the ill treatment, all these years. So, now that that relationship has ended I am very much at peace. More so knowing that I would meet dad or his soul someday, somewhere. Till then, dad, stay safe and detached as you always had. Just bless my new life direction as that was ordained by God, whichever that is. Love ya!
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