The Art of Building a Meaningful Relationship
I once had a boss who made this remark ' You people are in HR department but you do not know how to hold a relationship.' You see, those words were directed at a group of women, including me, who were either divorcees or were about to be divorced. That was a direct hit below the belt. The Boss, himself was a divorcee, who had migrated to another country in the West, unsuccessfully tried to build a life there, and returned to Malaysia to marry a prominent business man's daughter (also a single mother) and re-settle down. The group of us women who were the target of that remark felt very bad that for weeks we could not get that statement out of our minds. Smiles were wiped from our faces, we no longer joked and laughed at our department. To make it worse, the Boss was getting married in a few weeks and he proudly had invited everyone, excluding the single mothers and divorcees in the company.
I, for one, felt very bad because I had two failed marriages behind me - not one but two. At one point in time I felt as if I had failed miserably in my life as I could not hold on to either relationship - my first marriage was a tragedy, second was a comedy - both rendered me single in the end. So, I set about thinking whether there was or still exists the art of building meaningful relationship - in this context, with a spouse. Yup, as you had guessed, I looked at all the mistakes that I had committed in my both marriages. While the human behaviour is to blame the other party for all their short comings, the day we accept our own, is the day we can begin to progress in anything for that matter, not only relationships. Here, I list some of my mistakes from the two failed marriages and other relationships that did not materialise:
1. Never model of our lives after our elders
I grew up seeing my parents live the kind of life that was the norm in the 60s, 70s and 80s. Late dad was the breadwinner, late mum was homemaker and while both of them raised us, dad shouldered the burden of earning, mum managed the family. Life was only about responsibilities and the only time I see mum and dad spend time together were the evenings they sat outside the house talking till early night. They had an understanding and that seemed to work for them. While dad brought home the money, mum had sacrificed in many ways focusing on bringing us up. It worked for them.
Fast forward the 90s-I married a man who came from similar family settings - his dad was the breadwinner till this guy was 14, then had an accident at workplace, rendered his dad bed ridden, thus the son (that's him) had to take over family responsibilities. Mum managed the family finances. It worked for the baby boomers, but that model did not work for Gen X. Reason - I was a working mum, neither my mum or his were working, thus the burden on them to bring home dough did not exist. I was struggling to find a balance among so many variables like work, children, running of family matters, housework, supporting his family whenever need arose etc. That wore me out while he was enjoying his life as it was before marriage, for all he had to do was to bring income and then off to enjoy with friends, like a bachelor. Life took a toll on me when the neglect became so huge that I started thinking that if I were to do everything and he just enjoys life, I did not need him.
Lesson: Never model your lives after your elders or parents. Their generation was different - different priorities, different perspectives. Think and live according to life in your generation and remember if family responsibilities are not shared, that marriage is on its way to doom.
2. Be an equal partner in the marriage/relationship
Yes, marriage is between two individuals, that comes with the baggage called family on both sides, but the way the current life is designed, we need to have our own lives - as in the circle of people that we hangout with, doing the things we like to do or just chill when we have to. That takes the stress of life away.
I grew up seeing my late mum supporting late dad in matters pertaining to his side and him supporting mum's side. That worked for them because society at that time was designed such. These days, if we were to be heavy on either side, that begins the ride to doom for the marriage as it will eventually take a toll on the marriage partners. I have guy friends who have their own night out with their friends on one night per fortnight, so would their wives. At home, responsibilities are shared in both bringing up the kids and handling expenses, but both keep separate accounts, not joined. But whatever time they spend together, they maximise the rapport.
My mistake - I did not have any friends, while he had a batallion whom he drank with every night of the week. A lopsided arrangement that rendered him useless as a father. Till today, where the girls have grown up, he still does not know what works for them and what does not. That does not stop him from making adverse comments, though.
Lesson: Be an equal partner in relationship and/or marriage. Both should have equal rights, not one sacrifices more while the other cools heels. That would be the road to doom in the relationship/marriage and it is very important for both partners to accept and understand that the equality exist literally, not just in words.
3. Know why you are getting into the relationship
This is a very selfish statement but please, no such thing as I would like to sacrifice my life for him/her because I love him/her. So I am in this relationship - bullshit. If you are getting into a relationship because it adds value to your own life - go ahead. If nothing in that relationship adds any value to your life, it's time to bid goodbye.
My parents and so were many from the 60s to 80s were stuck in marriages without the option of knowing why they were getting into the relationship. Societal norms, family expectations, face saving, honour - these were the reasons a person entered relationship or marriage only to realise that was what he/she did not want. There was no freedom of choice. These days, we all have options and choices. So, be careful on what you choose. No one would ever want to enter a relationship and be burdened with something or other. Everyone wants easy life, everyone wants meaningful life, so be very clear about what a relationship would mean to you.
Lesson: Have a good reason to enter into a relationship/marriage. Love itself is not sufficient, never was. Convenience is a bad word in any relationship. My second marriage was such - a marriage of convenience. Conveniently, it ended. So, what's a good reason? The only reason is that the relationship/marriage adds value to your life.
4. Learn to accept and deal with imperfections
Nothing is perfect in life, so why would a relationship be? There will be short comings, less than ideal situations, so either accept them or learn to deal with them. The moment you accept them, 50% of the burden of the relationship would be gone. It will be another 50% that you will need to deal with. Change what you can, else decide what you need to do. Many a times, we expect our partners to be perfect, but they are only human, however, that does not mean we lean back accepting everything that they do. Find a balance of what you can stomach and what you can't. Ones that you can't - make decisions on the next step. Decisions can be delayed but need to be dealt with.
I was trying to be a heroine, like in Tamil movies - I bent backwards and took all the shit my ex was throwing at me, thus one of my friends said that I was partly to be blamed for the failure for not setting things straight when needed. She was right, I didn't set things right when needed be. Years of watching Tamil movie, I suppose. I accepted everything even when they were not working for me, thinking one day all will be okay - they never did. By the time I wanted to deal with them, it was too late. Rot has set in the marriage, too late to save it.
Lesson: While nothing is perfect, deal with imperfections when due. Delaying means a bigger and bitter breakup which will certainly not worth a single day of your life.
5. Write your own love story
People often fantasize about love stories. I grew up reading Mills and Boon, which always had happy endings. Life is not like that. Happy endings are rare or non-existent. That's because the nature of life is to have ups and downs. So, would a relationship. Design your own love story, use your own story line. Forget the movies and romantic books. Live life the way you want only then you can write your own story.
Lesson: Your life and relationships are your own. Never compare or build like another person's. Then you will know how to handle your own story.
The above are things that I learnt when my marriages fell apart. Add your experience if you could share for it may benefit those who have no clue on how to build a meaningful relationship. We are all not experts but we can always share experiences and see where we can improvise.
I, for one, felt very bad because I had two failed marriages behind me - not one but two. At one point in time I felt as if I had failed miserably in my life as I could not hold on to either relationship - my first marriage was a tragedy, second was a comedy - both rendered me single in the end. So, I set about thinking whether there was or still exists the art of building meaningful relationship - in this context, with a spouse. Yup, as you had guessed, I looked at all the mistakes that I had committed in my both marriages. While the human behaviour is to blame the other party for all their short comings, the day we accept our own, is the day we can begin to progress in anything for that matter, not only relationships. Here, I list some of my mistakes from the two failed marriages and other relationships that did not materialise:
1. Never model of our lives after our elders
I grew up seeing my parents live the kind of life that was the norm in the 60s, 70s and 80s. Late dad was the breadwinner, late mum was homemaker and while both of them raised us, dad shouldered the burden of earning, mum managed the family. Life was only about responsibilities and the only time I see mum and dad spend time together were the evenings they sat outside the house talking till early night. They had an understanding and that seemed to work for them. While dad brought home the money, mum had sacrificed in many ways focusing on bringing us up. It worked for them.
Fast forward the 90s-I married a man who came from similar family settings - his dad was the breadwinner till this guy was 14, then had an accident at workplace, rendered his dad bed ridden, thus the son (that's him) had to take over family responsibilities. Mum managed the family finances. It worked for the baby boomers, but that model did not work for Gen X. Reason - I was a working mum, neither my mum or his were working, thus the burden on them to bring home dough did not exist. I was struggling to find a balance among so many variables like work, children, running of family matters, housework, supporting his family whenever need arose etc. That wore me out while he was enjoying his life as it was before marriage, for all he had to do was to bring income and then off to enjoy with friends, like a bachelor. Life took a toll on me when the neglect became so huge that I started thinking that if I were to do everything and he just enjoys life, I did not need him.
Lesson: Never model your lives after your elders or parents. Their generation was different - different priorities, different perspectives. Think and live according to life in your generation and remember if family responsibilities are not shared, that marriage is on its way to doom.
2. Be an equal partner in the marriage/relationship
Yes, marriage is between two individuals, that comes with the baggage called family on both sides, but the way the current life is designed, we need to have our own lives - as in the circle of people that we hangout with, doing the things we like to do or just chill when we have to. That takes the stress of life away.
I grew up seeing my late mum supporting late dad in matters pertaining to his side and him supporting mum's side. That worked for them because society at that time was designed such. These days, if we were to be heavy on either side, that begins the ride to doom for the marriage as it will eventually take a toll on the marriage partners. I have guy friends who have their own night out with their friends on one night per fortnight, so would their wives. At home, responsibilities are shared in both bringing up the kids and handling expenses, but both keep separate accounts, not joined. But whatever time they spend together, they maximise the rapport.
My mistake - I did not have any friends, while he had a batallion whom he drank with every night of the week. A lopsided arrangement that rendered him useless as a father. Till today, where the girls have grown up, he still does not know what works for them and what does not. That does not stop him from making adverse comments, though.
Lesson: Be an equal partner in relationship and/or marriage. Both should have equal rights, not one sacrifices more while the other cools heels. That would be the road to doom in the relationship/marriage and it is very important for both partners to accept and understand that the equality exist literally, not just in words.
3. Know why you are getting into the relationship
This is a very selfish statement but please, no such thing as I would like to sacrifice my life for him/her because I love him/her. So I am in this relationship - bullshit. If you are getting into a relationship because it adds value to your own life - go ahead. If nothing in that relationship adds any value to your life, it's time to bid goodbye.
My parents and so were many from the 60s to 80s were stuck in marriages without the option of knowing why they were getting into the relationship. Societal norms, family expectations, face saving, honour - these were the reasons a person entered relationship or marriage only to realise that was what he/she did not want. There was no freedom of choice. These days, we all have options and choices. So, be careful on what you choose. No one would ever want to enter a relationship and be burdened with something or other. Everyone wants easy life, everyone wants meaningful life, so be very clear about what a relationship would mean to you.
Lesson: Have a good reason to enter into a relationship/marriage. Love itself is not sufficient, never was. Convenience is a bad word in any relationship. My second marriage was such - a marriage of convenience. Conveniently, it ended. So, what's a good reason? The only reason is that the relationship/marriage adds value to your life.
4. Learn to accept and deal with imperfections
Nothing is perfect in life, so why would a relationship be? There will be short comings, less than ideal situations, so either accept them or learn to deal with them. The moment you accept them, 50% of the burden of the relationship would be gone. It will be another 50% that you will need to deal with. Change what you can, else decide what you need to do. Many a times, we expect our partners to be perfect, but they are only human, however, that does not mean we lean back accepting everything that they do. Find a balance of what you can stomach and what you can't. Ones that you can't - make decisions on the next step. Decisions can be delayed but need to be dealt with.
I was trying to be a heroine, like in Tamil movies - I bent backwards and took all the shit my ex was throwing at me, thus one of my friends said that I was partly to be blamed for the failure for not setting things straight when needed. She was right, I didn't set things right when needed be. Years of watching Tamil movie, I suppose. I accepted everything even when they were not working for me, thinking one day all will be okay - they never did. By the time I wanted to deal with them, it was too late. Rot has set in the marriage, too late to save it.
Lesson: While nothing is perfect, deal with imperfections when due. Delaying means a bigger and bitter breakup which will certainly not worth a single day of your life.
5. Write your own love story
People often fantasize about love stories. I grew up reading Mills and Boon, which always had happy endings. Life is not like that. Happy endings are rare or non-existent. That's because the nature of life is to have ups and downs. So, would a relationship. Design your own love story, use your own story line. Forget the movies and romantic books. Live life the way you want only then you can write your own story.
Lesson: Your life and relationships are your own. Never compare or build like another person's. Then you will know how to handle your own story.
The above are things that I learnt when my marriages fell apart. Add your experience if you could share for it may benefit those who have no clue on how to build a meaningful relationship. We are all not experts but we can always share experiences and see where we can improvise.
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