When All Else Fails...

The last one week, since 14th June 2020, I have been reading one news with interest - the saga around the death of a very talented actor Sushant Singh Rajput. He had apparently committed suicide at his Bandra apartment, one day before my daughter's birthday. 

Abby moved back into her old room at my place. It was early noon and she walked out of her room and asked me whether I liked Sushant Singh Rajput (SSR). I said yeah and she said, well he is dead. The first thing that came to my mind was: accident. He seemed like a guy who loved cars and bikes. No ma, she said, he committed suicide. 

For a good moment I sat silently, dumbfounded. Why? Why would such a young brilliant actor take his own life? Why, I asked Abby. She shrugged and went back into her room. 

                                            

    

That was when I started browsing the Net to find an answer why such a brilliant, talented young actor took his life at such a young age. I still have not found the answer, pretty much like the Maharashtra police, who is conducting investigation on that incident. 

It was on Facebook that I found out that in 6 months, SSR had lost 7 movies which he was signed up for. Then came Kangana Ranaut's video on how SSR was termed `worthless' though he was a very brilliant, talented and hardworking actor and how star kids (children of Bollywood stars) were mollycoddled into success though many of them were hopelessly failure materials. After that the entire internet was deluged with accusations against people like Salman Khan, Karan Johar, Alia Bhatt and many others including production houses which were said to have behaved like a cartel and boycotted SSR. There were reports that the whole thing started from SSR's movie Drive where he was cast to co star with Boman Irani. Though he was initially signed for the movie, apparently Salman Khan had wanted the role to be given to Sooraj Pancholi, son of a Bollywood actor, but SSR apparently had stood his ground and refused to back down. That angered Salman Khan and Karan Johar, the latter who was the producer of Drive. Then the boycott began. Drive was eventually released on OTT platform, as opposed to theatres. Not that it would have mattered with the Covid-19 lock down and all. But apparently that was the trigger that set the depression. SSR needed recognition and of course, work.

Reading about Abhishek Kapur's comments on actors - that actors need recognition and validation to keep going - sort of answered my question on why SSR had taken his own life. Maslow's Theory of Hierarchical Needs says that the highest level one can achieve is self-actualization  a level where one becomes King maker rather than the King.. One level down, i.e. 4th level is Self Esteem. One has to graduate from Level 4 to attain level 5. And Level 4 is Self-esteem. 

Esteem

Our esteem needs involve the desire to feel good about ourselves. According to Maslow, esteem needs include two components. The first involves feeling self-confidence and feeling good about oneself. The second component involves feeling valued by others; that is, feeling that our achievements and contributions have been recognized by other people. When people’s esteem needs are met, they feel confident and see their contributions and achievements as valuable and important. However, when their esteem needs are not met, they may experience what psychologist Alfred Adler called “feelings of inferiority.”   

SSR had given brilliant performances in his movies, right from Kai Po Che to Chicchore (though I would not say the same about Drive), but I do not remember him receiving any major awards for any of his performances. No recognition, neither validation. I suppose the feeling of inferiority had settled in that he started crumbling under depression for about six months prior to his death. To add on to that he lost the films that he was signed for. Depression can be a silent killer, which may not be so apparent but can leave its mark in a devastating way. 

Then again, does depression affect only actors and those in showbiz? At one time we were reading about how debt-ridden farmers in India were killing themselves, unable to repay their debts. In the recent Covid-19 lock down which had affected economies of the world, many are expected to lose their income and depression may set in. It is the feeling of helplessness that prompts one to such extreme measures. 

There was one period in my life when I was totally helpless. It was in 2013, I no longer had a job after my altercation with my former Boss, when I was working for a government entity. He didn't take it kindly and I refused to be intimidated by him, so I walked out of the job. I had a kid in international school, debts to pay and a flailing health. To make it worse, my ex husband took both my kids away during a major festival. Every year the girls had spent the festival with me, but that year he took them away and there I was all alone with no one to talk to, no source of income and no shoulder to cry on. For one fleeting moment, the idea of plunging down from my 9th floor apartment did cross my mind but then again there is the demon in me that refused to give up. The entity in me which refused to stay down when pushed down, that self in me which I found to have the kind of strength I have never imagined all my life, surfaced. And that was the moment I understood almost everything about life and living (well, some call it religion/divinity), I call it the demon of strength. Demon because it made me want to take revenge on all those who had driven me towards the thought of suicide, because the sweetest revenge will be my ultimate success beyond and above all those who drove me to a corner. Without hurting them, it would be nice to see them hurt when I write my success story. The strength that I had found that day saw me overcome joblessness, rebuild my life and finances and eventually land a relationship 😄. It is not that everything happened overnight but having found the demon of strength had kept me going and is still keeping me going though I have no idea what each day holds and how long this strength would drive me. Ultimately, it was that demon of strength that pulled me up from the depths of my depression. The demon that pushed me towards revenge without hurting anyone, but make them hurt. 

I suppose that demon in SSR never surfaced to give him the ultimate will to push back against all those who pushed him down. He never quite found the demon in his last moments, but could only choose the only way out he thought he knew. Was he right doing what he did? I have no idea for none of us could get into his brain and mind. Was he wrong in taking his own life? I would say yes. If committing suicide is the only option when all else fails, this world would be empty of humans. We were created to live in this world, were we not?